I Had To Share This One

[KeithTas]

An old boy walked into his local pub after being away for a few months, to his horror it had turned into a theme pub. He said to the manager “what the fuck have you done to the pub”, the manager said “it’s now a theme pub, the trouble is none of the locals use it”.

“I’m not surprised the pub is empty” said the old boy, “you have done away with all the old traditions”. “Like what” said the manager. “Well for a start the biggest draw card for the old pub was a big bowl of snuff on the bar” “that drew the punters in from all over the area”

The manager had a think overnight and decided he would bring back the snuff tradition, the problem was he did not know where to buy snuff. So he went out and collected up a load of dog shit, put it in the microwave and then in a coffee grinder.

The next night the old boy walked in an ordered a beer, to his delight he saw the snuff and took a big pinch and sniffed it right in. After a little while he looked at his shoes and said “can you smell dogs shit” “no said the manager”, the old boy rubbed his shoes into the carpet and said “are you sure you can’t smell dogs shit” “definitely not” said the manager.

Then another old boy walked in and ordered a beer, the first old boy said “can you smell dog shit” “no said the man”.

He then noticed the big snuff pot and took a fucking great pinch and sniffed it down. He then said “do you know, this snuff doesn’t half clear your head, I can definitely smell dog shit now”

[Text]

Class.

[Snuffleupagus]

Love it.

[Trapper John]

Yes, I went into a Pub last Friday night. After about an hour, this Fat woman came up to me and said "Hi, I'm Anita".......I said "Yeah, I can fucking see that"

[Snuffleupagus]

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
The landlord says: "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you."
The horse replies: "What, Eric?"

[Trapper John]

:mrgreen:

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
The landlord says: "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you."
The horse replies: "What, Eric?"

Nan, is that you?

[Snuffleupagus]

:mrgreen:

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
The landlord says: "Hey, we've got a whisky named after you."
The horse replies: "What, Eric?"

Nan, is that you?

Cheek.

[Snuffleupagus]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Snuffleupagus]

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancée/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.


Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Spirits Total

Locations to be visited



Females with whom conversation
is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Robbie Williams concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:


Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancée/Wife:

[Snuffleupagus]

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancée/Partner/Wife:

I’M GOING OUT, O.K.


Signed: (me)……………………

[3rdLeg]

Nice one Keitho..

Here's one for ya.

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[KeithTas]

I like it Leggo

[Trapper John]

Man walks into a pub in London, he has terrible burns to his entire head, face and hands, barely able talk he says to the barman, "Lager"

The barman pulls him a pint and says.... "hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to you?" the stranger just replies "Falklands"

The barman places the pint on the bar and says "Jesus, I'm sorry mate, here have this on me"......and walks off up to the end of the bar where some locals are sitting.

One of the locals whispers to the barman, "Christ what happened to that bloke?........the barman says quietly, "The Falklands"...................... "Oh, I see" the local replies and gets a tenner out of his pocket and says to the barman "here, take this and start a collection for the poor bloke, its the least we can do"
After about 10 minutes, the barman has collected about £200 and noticing the stranger has finished his pint, pulls him another and takes it over to him.

"There you go mate", the barman says with a smile, placing the beer in front of the stranger, "on the house for you, yer money's no good here", ...........then the barman takes out an envelope from his pocket and says......."Hope you don't mind, but I had a little whip round for you, its not charity mate, just our appreciation of a hero"

The stranger takes the envelope and looks inside, then back to the barman and says......... "Gracias Senor"